It’s a thing. It’s not a demon. (Although I do believe in demons, but topic for another time?)

Do you watch Gilmore Girls? Dope show, get into it if you haven’t seen it. Yes, it’s on Netflix. Shout-out to my first college roomie who put me on! Well one of the initial recurring characters turned main character, Luke, has “a dark day.” Spoiler alert: jump to next paragraph if you want to get into Gilmore Girls. It’s the anniversary of his dad’s death, so he just up and disappears for that day. No calls, no text, no interaction with others. He’s a ghost in life for a day. Depression is kind of like that except it could go on for weeks, months, years?

Once you’ve battled with depression, unfortunately you are going to battle with it again (ref)*. Something I learned in my grad Psychopathology (Abnormal Psychology) class.

Unfortunately, (fortunately?) I’ve battled with depression and I am facing it again. I guess I question saying fortunately have battled with it previously because you know what it looks like. You know what it sounds like. You know what it feels like.

My closest friend of life called and I ignored her call. She called again and again. Why she blowing me up? Well we had plans of course. However, depression has me in a choke hold. So, now I’m curving our plans and her. Ultimately, I called and let her know my mom needed me that evening, a valid reason but not the entire truth. I told her the whole reason as well, “I’m sad, I’ve been down. I’m struggling.” I can’t recall if I said the word or not, depressed. I feel like I did, but am not completely sure.

You neglect your social life, you may not want to eat, you may not show up to work, you may stay away from your place of worship. These are all things I’ve done in my current battle with depression. Fortunately, for me, I have a great support system.

For weeks my boy had been telling me to find a therapist. Even if I didn’t need it right now. He said when you need someone, you’ll be glad you vetted someone already. So here we go! It’s urgent now. I can’t recall how it happened, but when I missed work with a no call no show. I knew this needed immediate attention.

I had taken steps to take my friends advice and I did at least have a list of providers that take my coverage. I called each one and left messages. At least more than five. It’s been weeks since I’ve made those initial calls. Only one has gotten back to me. I made the appointment and I saw her for our first meeting. We shall see how our relationship goes.

At least this time I didn’t front. At least this time I kept it a buck. I am depressed.

Because I missed work my boss called me in. She mentioned that it’s not like me to miss work and not call, I did reach out but late in the day which is of course no where near the call out policy. My boss asked if everything was okay and I was honest. “No, it’s not. I’m struggling emotionally and mentally.” Again, I didn’t say the word depressed. This time I’m sure of it. I did tell her that I found a provider and would be seeing one shortly. She was very supportive. Blessed. Not many people have a supportive work environment, manager, or even sick time for that matter.

I haven’t been to my church home in weeks. Some people reached out to check in. I was completely honest with the one I am closet with. I responded to her text with, “I’m struggling, I’ve been depressed.” Crickets. I literally did not get a reply. At least this time I didn’t front. At least this time I kept it a buck. I am depressed.

about depression blog

We shouldn’t run from it. How can you get help?

Here are some resources to help. 
Therapy for black girls